I long to be rid of it
For it's too heavy to carry
I'm too afraid to commit
and it's too big to bury.
Make no mistake:
I do not perservere like Pilgrim;
This weight of regret and guilt and shame
Is crushing the shoulders of my soul.
I long to forsake it, this damn source
of a thousand heartaches and more.
Pain radiates from my neck and shoulders
to my back and my hip in lines of invisible fire.
No matter how loud and how often I cry
that it's just not fair, why now, why me, why!
I still know somewhere in the stillness of my soul
that it is wrong to shake it off and throw it away,
just as well because I am not strong enough to break
it off from my back then back away...
Try as i might, though, there is no way to even break
off little pieces of my past and spread it around;
others carry their own, so I cannot share.
Some days I feel I can no longer walk under the weight,
and those times I think it might be nice if I no longer cared
whether the burden crushes me, kills me, or not.
I have a feeling, something a little more certain than fear,
(but just as hot)
that if ever I could get it down off my shoulders
it would follow me down the long path of life and one day
it would swallow me with a mouth full of sharp knives
and dark nights.
Can a rock full of gold and clay
say to the Master, "Refine me."
All I know is whever I turn and search for it, trying to face it,
that I can never quite see it...but it is always behind me.
5.25.2004/
1.28.2011
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