Ever Since

The belt stings biting into my back.
I can't use my hands to get up off the floor
And still cover my neck and the back of my head.
I know it won't do any good, it won't help,
But I still try to run...she'll chase me until she's done.

My brother's in the next room
He's pretending to be asleep
His eyes have adjusted to the dark
He wants to help but he's afraid to move.

I don't blame him, Not at all.
What could he do anyway, he's so small.
Even as I think this hurts worse than splinters
And a cold or a broken leg... I start to beg.

The words sound weak and stupid in my ears
This can't be anything but pure hell... I give up
begging because there's no one else here, and if I had
the belt and the rage I don't think I would listen either.

I crawl. I'm next to the wall by the closet door
The arm changes angles automatically to reach me--
Why won't she stop? At least I'm not crying anymore,
All I'm thinking now is better me than Lee.

Once I gave up the blame and the shame, a hard sacrifice.
I could nod to the pain of my past and say you've won.
Even when a cloud might drift across my heart as cold as ice
I still have nothing but kindness and love for my son.

I've escaped slavery with bravery to talk and share;
I've outgrown my hell and outlived my other self.
My own child is teaching me how to listen and how to care,
Since then I can finally smile at my past... I win.

5.25.2005