Surrender: By Not Letting Go

Sometimes I find myself holding onto the cross around my neck;
holding onto the cross
and not even aware of my need to do so,
holding onto the cross
and not even conscious of my hand reaching
            for the cold comfort of gold-plated steel.
Tears may come or may not;
I cry for some reason I forgot.
Empathy vies for my heart's attention...
too many memories I forgot to mention.

Like a drowning man I gulp at
            childhood beliefs
but if I swallow them they threaten to
             swallow me whole;
and the water leaves me gasping for truth--
                                               the truth hurts.

Honesty beckons like rays of hope
from a lighthouse too close to be of any help.
Honesty echoes back and forth in my heavy heart.
I miss you though you have not gone far.
I find myself hoping that you will say 'yes'.

         I see you when I close my eyes.
         When I close my eyes I see
         Blond hair framing the face of a woman
         Unwilling to sacrifice conviction for compromise,
         familiar blue eyes, eyes that know me.

Sometimes I feel like shaving all the hair from my body
and just starting over.
But being born all over again could never keep the promise
of death... a place on a hill
                                     under a warm sun
                    by a tall tree
                                     in eternal rest
all for the courtesy of my                  last breath.

The room is a little too cold to wish for anything better.
I sit quietly  watching the beads of condensation sweat
off a can of Diet Coke. A gleam of read from the faceted
ruby of my class ring  pulls me away from my experiment.
I smile though, because I know
                                            that life
                                                   is not about good, better,
                                                                         or best,
            without hope
a drowning man will take any kind of rope.

1.13.1997