Many people in the corporate world are feeling encouraged today by helpful team-mates and are actually anxious to get involved in the lives of their co-workers by asking about their family, health, etc. This only leads to good morale and more efficient more productive work environments. But how do we stop all this nonsense? The only answer is to empower ourselves individually and to use the following guidelines to create enemies in the workplace.
In the beginning it is best to remember never to smile at anyone. And you can skip the pleasantries of a “Good morning,” “Good afternoon,” “How are you doing?”, things like that. And in place of a warm greeting and a heartfelt smile, you may consider making direct eye contact briefly with your co-worker and squinting your eyes slightly. We will discuss eye-contact in more depth later, but for now let’s focus on the eye-squint. The eye-squint should be accompanied by a thoughtful frown. This is important because it may make the co-worker think they have something on their face or something is wrong with their hair, clothing, etc. This will put them on the defensive and they will at this point be less likely to engage you in any perky, positive conversation.
Start as early as possible in your enemy making process. This means that you can actually work to create enemies before you even get in the building. Do not underestimate the payoff involved in driving or parking your car like a complete jerk while on company property. Subtlety is required in this phase of the plan. You don’t want to be reported to the security guards policing your particular work location, but you do want to generate a fair amount of negative energy among your co-workers. A great way to do this is to park your car like a real jerk. You don’t want to take up two spaces or park your car so close to another one as to ensure a call to security, but you do not want to pass up an opportunity to make an enemy. So, what you do is simply park in one space, and park as close as you can reasonably park to the car to your right. The majority of the time they will have pulled in facing front as opposed to backing in to the space. If they have backed in to the space you will be looking to park in close proximity to the car on your left. The trick is to park so close that they cannot easily or safely enter or exit their vehicle, but not so close as to warrant a call to security. Doing this on a daily basis will generate a great deal of negative feelings among your co-workers. Consistency is the key.
Another important point for making enemies in the workplace is to do as little actual work as possible. If a co-worker’s job has become more difficult based on your indolence, then that co-worker will be more likely to become your enemy and at the very least may start rumors regarding your lack of a good work ethic. And this is where your success in enemy-making really takes off because rumors in the workplace often lead to a bad reputation.
Starting counter-rumors is important as well. This is based on the premise of back-fires. Back-fires are the kinds of fires that firemen use to stop a larger fire by creating a line of already-burnt trees that the larger fire might have used for fuel to keep going. Counter-rumors use the same principle. After you have begun the enemy-making process, a co-worker might begin discussing your behavior or “attitude” problems with others. It is important here to be creative. When you are spreading rumors about someone the sky’s the limit. Studies have shown that people will believe anything. So even the most outlandish rumors will find some measure of acceptance among your listeners. Don’t be afraid to hint that your co-worker might actually be an alien or a robot, because, of course, people will believe anything.
In advanced enemy-making we will see how important it is to mumble or make snide comments under your breath. A great occasion to make use of this skill is when you pass a co-worker in the hallway. They will more than likely be able to hear that you said something, but they definitely will not be able to make out anything specific, especially if you are only making little mumble noises and not really using words at all. This is where you can capitalize on the ambient paranoia that exists in many corporate environments, and use that paranoia to your advantage.
If you are unlucky enough to have one of your co-workers actually speak to you in a “non-work” setting, such as hallways, restrooms, etc., then you can use this to your advantage as well. Avoid the common mistake of making direct eye contact as discussed above. In many societies this may convey to the person speaking that you actually care about what they are saying, or worse yet, that you might care about them as a person. So, eye contact is to be avoided at all costs. If you have to look somewhere, try looking in their general direction. Perhaps you can pretend that they have a stain on their teeth or clothing. Nodding your head and making small grunting noises is a good idea here, because it will communicate that you are noticing the fact that they are speaking without actually participating in the conversation. Once the speaker is finished wasting your time, you can employ a simple statement such as, “Okay, well, let me know how that goes,” or something similar. Don’t go overboard here and risk sending the wrong message. A simple brief sentence should suffice. After uttering your non-committal phrase it is important to leave that location immediately, as if you have an important meeting that you have to attend in some other part of the building.
At this point it may be tempting to entertain the notion that in order to make enemies it is only necessary to be unfriendly to everyone at all times, and this could not be further from the truth. One key way to generate ill-will among your co-workers is to appear to be very friendly for a short period of time. After being friendly towards them and seemingly interested in the events of their boring, stupid, little lives, you can then withdraw completely from them suddenly and without warning. This will leave them wondering if they did or said something to offend you. Misunderstanding and confusion are your best assets during this phase of the enemy making process.
Over-promise and under-deliver. Many leadership guides state that doing the reverse of this is a way to get ahead in the corporate world, and they are right to an extent. Therefore, by doing the opposite of what’s been previously recommended by the ‘experts,’ we give ourselves the best chance for creating enemies in the workplace. Here again it is important to be temporarily friendly. Seem eager for the “new challenges” that taking on more responsibility at work can provide. Volunteer for every new project that comes along. Make as many guarantees and promises that you can. The best thing about this plan is that no further action on your part is required. Just simply sit back and do nothing. If questioned about why you are not “delivering any results” for one project, blame the time you have been spending working on another project. This will pay huge dividends in a relatively short period of time.
The use of sarcasm and condescension are to be used in written communications at all times. This is because written communication such as emails, text messages and meeting minutes are static. In many cases, these materials are archived for quite a number of years in the corporate world. Subtlety again is the key. The goal is to have a record that can be read in one way and on the surface seem quite innocuous. But if read with a “tone” or “attitude” it takes on a hidden, sinister meaning. Those reading the communication may think you might have been mean but will not be able to prove anything definitively.
What does success look like? Well, you should still be employed at this point. We will discuss actually losing your job in a later article entitled, “How to Lose Your Job in 30 Days.” But, if all of your co-workers are avoiding you like the plague and no one is speaking to you then you have achieved some level of success. In addition to that, if no one is assigning any extra work for you under the guise of “new challenges” or “new opportunities,” and your chances of moving up in the company are slim to none, then congratulations! You have successfully created enemies in the workplace!
3.29.2011
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