In my Self-Help (Selfish-Helpless) Seminars I have heard this question many times, “Dr. Holbrook, how can I get eaten by a bear?” And I think I know where these people are coming from. Being eaten by a bear combines the thrill of getting close to nature with the excitement of a near-death (or, death) experience. It’s really a win-win. And let’s not forget the bear who gets a good meal out of all this, so I think we would have to call it a win-win-win.
First, let’s talk about the geography of the situation. Bears are not pizzas and they will not just show up on your doorstep accompanied by a pimply faced teenager looking for a tip. And since bears cannot be delivered to us, we must go to where the bears are. At this point we want to target specific bear types as well. Polar bears may look cute sliding down a snowy hill drinking soda, but they are, in fact, vicious killers, so find a Polar bear if that is more convenient for you. Grizzly bears are also viable candidates in the getting-eaten-by-a-bear scenario. They are like sharks on land and can smell blood from miles away. Extensive scientific studies have shown that Black bears are pussies who at best may only maul you, and that gets you no closer to your goal of being eaten by a bear. And don’t even get me started on Pandas and Koalas. They will not eat you unless you look like bamboo or smell like eucalyptus. Even then you may only get gnawed on slightly, and that is technically not getting eaten by a bear. So let’s remain focused on where and how to find the Polar bears and Grizzly bears.
We’ve already mentioned the need to go where the bears are, so where are they? Brown bears also known as Grizzlies can get up to ten feet tall and weigh as much as a car. So they should be easy to spot once you get close. They are similar in size to Polar bears and are the best choice for eating you because they are so mean. Many animals have a survival instinct that drives them to kill if necessary to eat in order to survive. The Grizzly bear is an animal that will eat you just for fun, even if it has already eaten and is quite full. That is just how mean they are.
You may at this point be asking yourself, “Why can’t I just go to my local zoo and get eaten by one those bears?” This is a good question and I have heard it many times. There are some problems with this scenario. First, ticket prices alone would disqualify many of us. And parking is always a nightmare. In addition to that, there are gates with bars to saw through, locks to pick, trenches to leap over and moats to cross. Take it from me, getting to these bears is not an easy process. And after all that, what if you are not completely successful? What if you only get maimed and not completely eaten by the bear, what then? I’ll tell you what, when the zoo opens the next day you will be a spectacle. Instead of your given name, you will be known as that guy in the bear exhibit. In addition to the ridicule and public humiliation you would most likely be the recipient of more than a little media attention. So let’s cross that option off of our lists.
If you live in the U. S. Rocky Mountains just west of middle America . You may also wish to do a little recon by combing the internet for news of recent bear attacks. If you are fortunate enough to find news of a recent attack you can plan a trip to the exact spot mentioned in the article. Taking a taxi to your local airport will be preferable to just catching a ride from a friend or family member. These people will in most situations try to talk you out of going to where the bears are, especially when they hear of your plan to be eaten by one of them.
Once at the airport, it is important not to fall into the old habit of purchasing a round-trip ticket. Remember, you only need a one-way ticket, which will be less expensive as well. When you arrive at the town nearest to where the most recent bear attack took place you will want to visit the local store for some supplies. I would recommend purchasing at least 30 cans of salmon, obviously if the store has more than that, then just buy what they have. Don’t make the rookie mistake of just opening the cans of salmon into the pockets of your cargo pants, because that’s where the raw bacon goes. Take the salmon and smear it all over your skin and clothes like sunscreen. As long as you smell like spoiled cat food, then you are on the right track. While we’re on the subject of clothing, let’s keep it simple. Sparse, loose-fitting clothing will make it easy for the bear to get at you once we reach the ‘encounter’ phase of our plan.
You may want to buy a new pair of shoes for this experience. Rubber-soled boots will not only protect your ankles from potential sprains while hiking, but they will also allow you to hike more quietly, thereby not scaring any bears away. And just leave your cell phone and keys in the rental car, because the last thing you want is your Justin Beiber ring tone to scare the bear away. But, on second thought, there is no conclusive scientific evidence stating that such a ring tone would not just make the bear even angrier and thereby more apt to destroy you.
When you begin the hike to where the bear attack took place it is important to go alone. There are several reasons for this. The most obvious reason is that your well-meaning friend might just call for help, or worst-case-scenario, actually frighten the bear away. No, it is far better to meet your giant carnivore alone.
Once you reach your destination, do not be discouraged if you do not find your bear right away. Patience and persistence are the keys to successfully getting eaten by a bear. You may wish to go searching for your bear, and this is okay. Just make sure you are not making too much noise. Be mindful of the wind direction as well, because you want the bear to smell you and come running.
What do you do if you find a bear and he does not seem interested in eating you? Well, this hardly ever happens, but even at this point you have a few options. If there are any cubs nearby, the larger bear is more than likely a she-bear and things are really simple at this point. All you have to do is chase the cubs and around and maybe swat at them with your hand once or twice. This will get the she-bear’s attention and from there it will be smooth sailing. If there are no cubs in evidence then assume that your bear is a male. Throwing rocks and sticks at this bear may be enough to “get the show on the road,” so to speak. If not, then you may have to chase the bear. Don’t be afraid to make derogatory remarks about the bear in the loudest voice you have. Casting aspersions on the bear’s immediate family members may do the trick as well.
Once you have gotten the bear’s attention and the bear is coming close, there are no rules. Just do what comes naturally. You can even struggle a little bit or fight back if you want to make it more interesting. If you begin to feel intense pain followed by a period of permanent darkness, congratulations, you have been successfully eaten by a bear!
by Jefferson Brian Holbrook
February 2011
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